He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize