you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize