he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
im six kinds of drunk right now
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
