It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
