Michael Bay diarrhea
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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