I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
