hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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