my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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