She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
