You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I need to calm my uterus...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
