Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
