i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
