I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize