DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You need Xanax blowdarts
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I fill condoms, not promises.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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