I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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