i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
