there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
