We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize