Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
