I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
