the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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