Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
