FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
