Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
