she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
