i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
