WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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