this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
