we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my being single is dangerous.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
