dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
