My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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