I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
