Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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