The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
