I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
