you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
