i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
