SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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