just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
