I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
