I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
