the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
