Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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