I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize