When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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