God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
