i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
