Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize