This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just want to make out with him forever
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
