I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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