does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
