I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
