i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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