it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
should my penis look like a turkey
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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