The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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