I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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